My Rock

Sometimes I feel like I'm making no progress. As I slip into the comfort of my numbing out my life, I wonder how do I get out. My life is comfortable. I've already talked about my pain with silence. I don't think I've talked about the pain of showing up. 

It's so hard for me to show up. To be somewhere with more than 5 people that I am not close with. Sometimes it can be hard for me to be with just one. I honestly never feel like I fit. I feel like I'm an outsider even if I am completely welcome. I always wonder when they will find out I'm not one of them. I have never felt like I fit. Not in my childhood, not in my family, not in my career, not with my friends, even sometimes not at home.

I feel like everyone has to like me for some reason or another. Reality is they don't. I don't know if there are many people who really know the real me. I have very few close friends. I have always had trouble keeping friends. So I numb. Facebook is a easy way to make me think I fit. I could scroll for hours. I hate it. I watch shows to block the silence. I struggle starting conversations because I feel like a fake. 

I listened to a TED talk this week where the wonderful women said, "don't fake it until you make it, fake it until you BECOME it." I'm still working on becoming who I really am. Who I am supposed to be. Me in my element is at school. I love being a teacher. It is where I feel the most comfortable, successful, and loved. 

In the world I still struggle to make a place for myself. I'm working on not pushing people away and not bailing because I am afraid. I want friendship but I don't know how to make one. A trouble with many abused children. Thank you to those that go out of their way to care about me. I know you are there but my mind will push you away in fear of hurt. Maybe I'm just afraid I will end up caring about you deeply. That's the problem with me, I care with my whole heart and I give it freely. I just don't know how to fit in. I was never meant to "fit in." I was truly born to stand out. Now just to find those that stand out with me.