Almost four years ago I married my wonderful husband. I was previously divorced and struggling with my life choices. Unbeknownst to me I was about to make the best choice of my life. Jaren helped me open my eyes to a lot of things. The first major thing was that my thought process was different than others. Not that I was crazy, per say, (he may have a different opinion on that) but that I was so focused on being perfect that it was scary. I wanted to be the best at everything or die trying. I realized I had large amounts of anxiety. I went and got on a pill to make me less "crazy". A few months after this I got pregnant. You can't take anxiety medication while pregnant. I went back to my control freak lifestyle. This was in an extremely stressful time in my life. My first year of teaching, still in school, and pregnant (that stands alone). I chalked up my explosive reactions and struggling sense of self-worth to pregnancy.
Then I finally had that little bundle of joy out of my body. What a relief. Things didn't change though. In fact, they got way worse. As a parent you can not be a thriving perfectionist (and do it well.) I realized I needed to make a change. I spoke with my Bishop who guided me to counseling. He noticed something above anyone else. The fact that I was abused as a child. Being abused for ten years does something mentally to you. I didn't think it was a problem any more. I mean it was all in the past, right? How wrong was I... This was the whole reason I struggled. After months of counseling and baby steps of growth, my therapist suggested group therapy. Realizing I am a person that needs others to overcome problems. How this step changed my life.
Listen to these other women explain and open up about their stories made it understandable to me. Finally it began to make some sense. I have triggers and have built in thoughts that don't make any sense as an adult. Yet I still had to make sense of them. I began to write. Something I hate to do. I hate having something written about what happened. I hate evidence... I knew that was my path to healing. At first it was slow and filled with shame, then it grew in power. I realized I am not the only one on this battle called life. People began to connect to my story. It doesn't have to be child abuse, it could be perfectionist as parents, fertility issues, divorce, and a slew of other things that make you feel shame. I can promise you I am no longer and abuse victim.. I am a victim of shame. Shame can happen in ten seconds or less. Sending a misspelled email out, calling someone by the wrong name, getting yelled out by a boss, yelling at your kids, having a fight with your husband or sibling. It's a daily battle and I know I am not the only one on the battle field.
Since October I can honestly say I have changed dramatically. One of the hardest changes I have ever experienced but worth every mile. It has amazed me how I have gone from days of shame to minutes. Years of pain to moments. I can tell I am more open and trusting of my path. I don't really care what others think about me if they aren't open about the battle they are fighting. Everyone has a battle. This one is mine and the best part is... I am not alone. I have people in my arena watching me fight and cheering me on. Those that cheer me on never put me down and never want me to fail. They are the ones I would call in a heartbeat with a problem. Shame is every where and I am in for the battle of my life. How great it is to be aware that I am in control of my own life. I feel like my life only began months ago. I have eyes wide open. Bring it on.
