My Guardian Angels

What a week this has been. I've really struggled this week. When I struggle I numb. This week the numbing of my choice was The Office. I binged watch most of the week. I had to avoid writing because that's when my difficult feelings come out. For some reason this week I was in an extremely triggered mood. 

Triggers are when you listen to a song and it reminds you exactly of a specific time you heard it. When you smell something baking and you get taken back to your grandmother's kitchen. I have triggers that make me draw into myself. Tonight it was Jaren telling me about finances. I immediately shut down. It was hard for me to say, Jaren this is how I feel like you said this. Luckily, I did and he talked it through with me. It's amazing how in one moment I can be brought to tears. 

One thought I have about this week's trigger was the time of year. My Grandpa Dotson died 16 years ago this week. My Grandpa Polson died 15 years ago next month. Veterans Day comes and it puts me into a slump. My Grandpa's were my heroes. I spent much of my childhood with them. They protected me and loved me when I felt lost. I remember often my Grandpa Dotson picking me up in the early morning so I could get away. I have so many memories from them. They both died too early. I am blessed to have two wonderful Grandmothers who haved loved me along the way. 

This week was hard. You'll know my hard weeks because I can't write. I don't want to face the hard things because I don't feel strong enough. 

I know I need to write. I know I need to face my shame and hurt to heal. I miss my grandfathers a lot. I have felt them here on this earth guiding me and protecting me many times. How blessed I am to have guardian angels with me as I heal every day.