My Fear of being a Mother

After I had Porter I felt like I was living the battle of my life. I was so overjoyed to have this little being in my life but fear quickly comes for the joy. Transitioning to motherhood didn't go smoothly for me like those moms on the Parenting magazines. For me it was surrounded by fear. He scares me. Loving someone so much scares me. What if I hurt him? What if I ruin him? What if he gets hurt too? I know I'm not and won't be a perfect parent but I'm terrified of not being enough. 

After I had him, I resented him (postpartum didn't help this feeling.) I hate even saying that but it's true. I resented my lack of sleep, my overwhelming love for him, but most of all the fear that came from loving him. I still have moments when I feel like I'm getting stared at as I chase my child down the hall at church. When he tries to climb out of the buckled in cart in Target. When he grabs the little newborn infant's face. I have moments when I think, I have to be the worst mom ever. My child drives me crazy and I only have the one. I know I'm not the only mom with these moments. I'm going to work harder on letting go and loving his "personality." 

I can handle a room full of children but my own child is a whole different story. Just acknowledging how I feel about him. How much it hurts to love him. I know that he's already growing up faster than he should. He drives me crazy but it's because I love him to the depth of who I am. It's true sometimes when I get him to bed at night it's great. I miss him though. There is nothing better than holding him when he lets me cuddle him and feeling him close to me. I didn't know you could love someone so much. My fear of being a mother comes from being afraid of loving him too much. It's already happened though. I wouldn't trade it for anything.