My Change to a Positive Life!

My life in the past couple weeks has taken a whole new turn. I have been attending a Happy Mentoring class and still have group counseling weekly. In my group we are reading Daring Greatly together by Brené Brown (amazing book if anyone would like to learn how to become Shame Resilient). In Happy class we are learning how to change our lives to be more positive and to attract positive into our lives. I have literally been shocked by the changes. 

1. I am happy- like really happy. 
2. I know how to handle when I am not happy.
3. I've created a deeper connection with my Heavenly Father. 

All in a matter of weeks. I can't believe the difference I've seen. Let me give you one example;

The last month of school had been... well quite literally March Madness. My kids as school are ready for spring break- I am ready for spring break. It has been a constant struggle to get them motivated, paying attention, and being kind to each other. I've been hearing a lot about the power of affirmations (the action or process of affirming something or being affirmed.) or declarations (an I am... statement). I thought I would try it with my class yesterday. I simply wrote on the board "My class speaks kind words to each other!" I read it to the class and talked to them about what it meant to have an affirmation. I knew that it would happen and I needed their help to make it truth. Then they did! The first great day we had in a long time! I tried it again today, "My class follows directions quickly and cares for others." They have DONE IT! I literally had to walk out of the class and walk back in to check that I was in the right room. I've had moments where I wanted to cry today. They were so engaged, so loving, and so happy! Just by writing and believing it will happen! 

I've seen this in a ton of things. I read my affirmations, out loud, every morning. It's happening. I have lost weight that I haven't been able to lose in months. I go to work with a smile. I am more attentive with Porter. I am happier in my relationships. I can feel the spirit and am following promptings. I am happy!

Do I have unhappy moments? Absolutely. Instead of shutting down, I feel my way through. I write about it, talk about it, and pray about it. I even, heaven forbid, cry about it. It feels amazing to let out the negative and to fill myself with happiness. 

One simple change has changed so much for me. I am excited to see where else I will be going. I know that my Father in Heaven is guiding me on a journey I have needed for a lifetime. He has placed things in my path recently that have made it all happen. I was prompted to write about my changes yesterday morning. I am supposed to share my journey. Was I supposed to share it for you? 

Can't Face the Blog

I have to be honest. When I am struggling I hate to blog. I hate letting everyone know I struggle. I hate to write about it. It makes it feel like it's almost more true. Like if I put the words on a blog then everything I'm holding in is actually happening. So inspite of my hate... It's time to write. 

This past month has probably been one of the hardest I've had. I've been challenged in every way I've ever know. I pulled up some of the worst memories of more abuse. My husband had an emergency surgery. We bought our first home. My son figured out how to climb and run to the street. 

If I could find one word for this month it would be... Overwhelming. I packed my house up by myself. I'm unpacking my house by myself. My life is ruled by a mini-human and my amazing husband still struggles with basic things. I've have been beyond challenged this past month. All with a smile. 

I've learned a lot about myself in this time. I've learned exactly how I shut off and how to turn to my husband like never before. I don't know a life without his support. I've realized the more open I am to people I can be safe with, the better I feel. 

Yes my life is hard right now. No I won't have a toddler forever. Jaren will get back to full strength. With no doubt I can say I have seen the hand of God and angels to lift and support me. Real Angels and people who have been Angels to me. I'm grateful I'm here to write another blog. State a bit of truth. And understand a whole lot better. 

Being a Woman

I've always felt the pressure of being the perfect (insert any word here). I know I am not the only one. It's part of being a woman I believe. The expectations held far out of reach. Completely unattainable.

 You never really grow up learning how to be a woman and why you are so important. You hear things like, "you make dinner",  "you have the children", "you are the nurturer." We should here more of, "You are everything." That title of being everything I never comprehended. The first week into my first marriage I realized it wasn't as easy as I thought. Eight years later and into my second marriage and I'm still figuring it all out. Pay the bills Tess, get of debt Tess, be the perfect teacher Tess, be the perfect mom Tess, don't forget your husband Tess, keep your house clean Tess. Who are these voices telling me these things? Myself... Who taught me to say this? Family, community, commercials, movies, the list goes on and on. 

Knowing the pressures I face can make life seem unbearable. Instead I pull in my big girl panties, roll out of bed at 5 am for the morning workout and make my day, falling in bed at night and wondering if I did enough. If I am enough. 

The truth is no one else could replace me. I need to, along with every women I know, needs to stop drowning themselves in life. We need to start enjoying it more. Being more caring and compassionate. Imagine what happened if everyone just said, "No, it's unrealistic what is expected." What if we set our own minds and were truly REAL with each other. Messy houses, messy lives, and all. 

I want to live in that world of warrior women. I'm going to start right now. 

My Choice to be Home

I've put off writing for a long time. Last month was a low for me. All I felt was anxiety and stress. It took me forever to find the problem. Porter. I hated that his first birthday was fast approaching and I wasn't there. I hated that he spent his days with other people. Not that they aren't amazing to him but they aren't me.

 

As Christmas break came and I final figured out why I was in a state of panic, I was finally able to tune into what I needed to do. For me and my family I needed to be home. This thought seemed like a foreign concept to me. My mom had to work growing up. It was all I knew. It terrifies me. As soon as I told Jaren I'm not going back next year, I felt at peace. I had been playing with the idea the last month and as soon as it left my lips I knew I had made the right choice. 

Still knowing I made the right choice gives me anxiety. I decided to start a preschool in my home for the next year to help balance my part of the finances. Some of my favorite years were spent teaching preschool. How can I do it though? We would need a new house? Items? Kids? 

I don't know how it will work out. All I know is that it will. I've had so many people say I won't regret it. I know that is true. I have worries but not one single doubt. I won't miss a year again. 

Passing on Peace

I have not written for a while. The holidays are a struggle for me. This year though I have found a new meaning to them. Watching everything through Porter's eyes has been such a beautiful experience. He opens me to knew ideas daily. Children are truly beautiful, pure souls. 

I struggle often with the fact that I feel like my childhood was taken away from me. Today I am just so happy to realize that I can live through my son. I can give him the joy and happiness in this life. That's my way of passing it forward. Of healing. 

My mind is not completely healed but I have a sense of peace that I have never known before. I am so grateful for it. 

My Rock

Sometimes I feel like I'm making no progress. As I slip into the comfort of my numbing out my life, I wonder how do I get out. My life is comfortable. I've already talked about my pain with silence. I don't think I've talked about the pain of showing up. 

It's so hard for me to show up. To be somewhere with more than 5 people that I am not close with. Sometimes it can be hard for me to be with just one. I honestly never feel like I fit. I feel like I'm an outsider even if I am completely welcome. I always wonder when they will find out I'm not one of them. I have never felt like I fit. Not in my childhood, not in my family, not in my career, not with my friends, even sometimes not at home.

I feel like everyone has to like me for some reason or another. Reality is they don't. I don't know if there are many people who really know the real me. I have very few close friends. I have always had trouble keeping friends. So I numb. Facebook is a easy way to make me think I fit. I could scroll for hours. I hate it. I watch shows to block the silence. I struggle starting conversations because I feel like a fake. 

I listened to a TED talk this week where the wonderful women said, "don't fake it until you make it, fake it until you BECOME it." I'm still working on becoming who I really am. Who I am supposed to be. Me in my element is at school. I love being a teacher. It is where I feel the most comfortable, successful, and loved. 

In the world I still struggle to make a place for myself. I'm working on not pushing people away and not bailing because I am afraid. I want friendship but I don't know how to make one. A trouble with many abused children. Thank you to those that go out of their way to care about me. I know you are there but my mind will push you away in fear of hurt. Maybe I'm just afraid I will end up caring about you deeply. That's the problem with me, I care with my whole heart and I give it freely. I just don't know how to fit in. I was never meant to "fit in." I was truly born to stand out. Now just to find those that stand out with me. 

My Fear of being a Mother

After I had Porter I felt like I was living the battle of my life. I was so overjoyed to have this little being in my life but fear quickly comes for the joy. Transitioning to motherhood didn't go smoothly for me like those moms on the Parenting magazines. For me it was surrounded by fear. He scares me. Loving someone so much scares me. What if I hurt him? What if I ruin him? What if he gets hurt too? I know I'm not and won't be a perfect parent but I'm terrified of not being enough. 

After I had him, I resented him (postpartum didn't help this feeling.) I hate even saying that but it's true. I resented my lack of sleep, my overwhelming love for him, but most of all the fear that came from loving him. I still have moments when I feel like I'm getting stared at as I chase my child down the hall at church. When he tries to climb out of the buckled in cart in Target. When he grabs the little newborn infant's face. I have moments when I think, I have to be the worst mom ever. My child drives me crazy and I only have the one. I know I'm not the only mom with these moments. I'm going to work harder on letting go and loving his "personality." 

I can handle a room full of children but my own child is a whole different story. Just acknowledging how I feel about him. How much it hurts to love him. I know that he's already growing up faster than he should. He drives me crazy but it's because I love him to the depth of who I am. It's true sometimes when I get him to bed at night it's great. I miss him though. There is nothing better than holding him when he lets me cuddle him and feeling him close to me. I didn't know you could love someone so much. My fear of being a mother comes from being afraid of loving him too much. It's already happened though. I wouldn't trade it for anything.