I'm Proud Of My Unproductive Day

What a day! (and it's not even done yet.) You know those mornings you wake up and you have no drive to do anything.That was my morning. I woke up at 7:27 being head-butted in the face by my adorable toddler. Who apparently thinks, if the sun is out why should you sleep. He woke up grumpy and I went right along with him. Grumpy, irritated, and I just didn't want to. After the home coked breakfast yogurt packets I figured I would check on our animals. There was a chance quail eggs would hatch today. 

Yay! Baby Quail. 

Although, that gave me a nice kick start, I was still in no mood to do my to do list for the day. I put grumpy back to bed and decided I was going to tackle my list. Of which I still needed to complete several of yesterday's items.

 

Seems like no big problem. Except I didn't want to do anything. So I started with what I knew needed to be done the most. A change in my attitude. I started first with writing out my emotions and writing a letter to God. Amazing how when you decide to let God into your troubles the change you have inside. I wrote my letter, said my declarations, wrote out my feeling of disappointment (that I didn't have the energy I had yesterday), and studied the scriptures. Within 15 minutes of my usual nap time routine I was ready to take on any challenge. 

First small thing that makes a big difference- making my bed. I always know I am more productive when my bed is made. 

Next the pile of dishes and starting a load of laundry. Then the munchkin woke up. I was in such a great place ready to complete my list of things to do. But I got this cute face just wanted to be held instead. 

I tried so hard to keep him busy so I could meal plan and continue on my day of productivity. 

But.. It didn't work within 5 minutes he had drawn on himself and was crying to be held. How frustrating!? I was ready to be productive but how can I be with this one in my lap...

We decided to watch a movie and relax together. He promptly stole the popcorn from me and we sat.. for hours. I felt like my day was slipping away from me. All the things that needed to be done just gone. When he fell asleep I decided to peek back out at our quail. 

30 new little lives brought into this world. While I was out I watched twelve more hatch. What an amazing sight. As I came back in to my sleeping son, the irritation had left me. Yes I still have tons to do. Yes I still have a list. The whole reason I chose to stay home was to be with my son. Today he needs me. He needs me to relax with him today. He needs me to cuddle with him today. He needs a mom that cares about him more than the list. I don't know if I will feel the sense of accomplishment I feel when the laundry is done or when I clean a room. But I should. I should be proud of myself for taking that time with him that he needs. I am proud to be his mom and I am proud to say... Today I didn't accomplish my list. Today I was the mom he needed me to be. 

A Mom's Work is Never Done

I said a few days ago, I left a job I deeply loved to be a mom.  It is the most important of work to be a mom but... it is so hard! You want to talk about teacher's pay being crappy, lets talk about mom pay. Yes I understand you get paid in cute cuddles and laughs and the reality that you get to be the one that raises your child but holy moly! It's like a never ending job of cleaning, crying, and like my lovely friend put it, "A race to nap time and bedtime." I know what you are thinking though, " But Tess this is what you wanted." "But Tess you finally have some time for you and your family." Don't but Tess me. I don't think I realized what I left. I left a job I loved and I think I was pretty great at. For a job that's a crazy race to make sure me and my child survive by the end of the day. I even have extra adorable children who I adore. Porter by far is the hardest. Just this morning he broke a lamp and broke my beautiful eco-wooden flowers by pulling them in small pieces.... that was just while I cooked breakfast. 

Being a mom is hard and there is no scale to say you are doing it right or to say my child will be okay. Not only to be okay though but to be a wonderful young man, critical thinker, caring and gentle yet brave and tough... the list goes on and on. Talk about the pressure from the world. Especially with social media today telling you what a horrible job you are doing all along the way. Being a mom isn't easy and I believe each and everyone of is is trying our absolute hardest to make sure that we raise these great kids. Don't feed them unhealthy, breast is best, no screen time, ect. ect. 

So what!? I think we all try to be great parents and so what if at the dinner table if my toddler is out of control I let him watch Elmo until our food comes. So what if I decide for myself what is best for myself and my current situation. Don't glare at me, don't judge or condone me. I don't have time to do it to you.. I'm too busy trying to handle my son, who is anything but a calm child. I think every parent was given a child that challenges them. I don't know what Heavenly Father thinks I can handle but it must be a whole lot. So don't judge me while I am parenting how I see best. I don't have time to judge you. In fact let's do something else instead. Help and build each other. See a mom wrestling her kids in the grocery store by the candy isle tell her she's pretty or great job mama. Every mom deserves to hear she is amazing and wonderful. She brought a little being to the Earth and it's hard. I challenge everyone who reads this to say something nice today. Whether it's in a Facebook

 post, message, or to someones face- just tell us we are doing great. You will never know what person needs to hear it. 

Ps. I have not had anyone tear my down but I see too much of it in social media. When you see other people judge moms you immediately judge yourself. How am I doing? What if I made a mistake like that? I can't live in judgment of myself anymore and I want to lift others up with me. 

Why I Became a Teacher..

I've been wanting to blog for awhile about why I made the choice to become a teacher. It was a very deliberate decision after years of not believing I could do the schooling. I am so grateful I made that choice six years ago to pursue teaching. It hasn't always been easy but so worth it. 

I made the decision when I graduated with my Associates in 2010. Looking at those students walking in their black gowns, the decision was made-I will wear a black gown one day. Although I wasn't able to start school until the Fall of 2012, many factors contributed to my decision.

First, my sixth grade teacher. I don't remember her name but I remember some simple words she said to me all those years ago. I began my sixth grade year hanging out with the wrong friends. I grew up way too much my sixth grade year. In making these choices, my schooling was not a priority, just my friends. At they end of the year I needed to ask my teacher why I had a D. I knew why I had the D but my mom had told me I needed to figure out why. I remember asking her. Her face immediately got that sigh, the one I have done several times in teaching. She told me I deserved the D because I didn't put in any effort.  She then told me a valuable thought I never forgot, "You need to be careful of the friends  you choose because they are not making you better. Chose only that make you become your better self." I remember making a change that summer and then into Junior High. I did not want to disappoint this teacher. I knew I could be better. Not to say I didn't make disappointing choices again but I definitely learned I was in control of who I was to become.

The most important reason for why I became a teacher comes from my past. Ten years of abuse doesn't just go away. Though I thought it did. I thought it was no big deal. As I worked in daycare for seven years I learned I would do anything for kids. I would love them and take care of them the way they deserved because I never knew if they were being loved at home. People have told me I have always been different with children. It's because I needed someone to be different with me. I needed to feel loved everyday. I needed to feel like I was more. Although my mom told me other people played into my self worth and unfortunately an abusers talk can make even the kindest words you hear become a lie. Kids so badly need to be loved.  More than they need to learn how to write a five paragraph essay, more than the Algerian theorem, more than some state test. More than anything every child needs to know that they are deeply cared for. Someone wants them to succeed and cheer them on. 

No one really knew I was abused until I posted less than I year ago. No one suspected that someone that did okay for themselves lived a rough and shattered childhood. I still suffer and fight everyday but at least I can hope that I let one child know they were loved without questions. That I believed in them. You never know what someone is going through. That you could be the one person that made them get through all the bad or changed their life by some simple words. Now I am making the transition to being home. It is a hard decision. I struggle everyday wondering if I can teach Porter what I taught my kids for years. I became a teacher because I know I would want my child loved deeply if he was gone from me daily. Every child in this world should know they are loved. Beyond measure, beyond reason, beyond any thing they could do to disappoint. Every child deserves to hear daily they are worth it. That's my contribution to a better world. What's yours? 

x

My Story to Change

In the past couple weeks I've had a resounding amount of people ask me my story. I figured it's time to explain it all... or else parts of it. 

Almost four years ago I married my wonderful husband. I was previously divorced and struggling with my life choices. Unbeknownst to me I was about to make the best choice of my life. Jaren helped me open my eyes to a lot of things. The first major thing was that my thought process was different than others. Not that I was crazy, per say, (he may have a different opinion on that) but that I was so focused on being perfect that it was scary. I wanted to be the best at everything or die trying. I realized I had large amounts of anxiety. I went and got on a pill to make me less "crazy". A few months after this I got pregnant. You can't take anxiety medication while pregnant. I went back to my control freak lifestyle. This was in an extremely stressful time in my life. My first year of teaching, still in school, and pregnant (that stands alone). I chalked up my explosive reactions and struggling sense of self-worth to pregnancy. 

Then I finally had that little bundle of joy out of my body. What a relief. Things didn't change though. In fact, they got way worse. As a parent you can not be a thriving perfectionist (and do it well.) I realized I needed to make a change. I spoke with my Bishop who guided me to counseling. He noticed something above anyone else. The fact that I was abused as a child. Being abused for ten years does something mentally to you. I didn't think it was a problem any more. I mean it was all in the past, right? How wrong was I... This was the whole reason I struggled. After months of counseling and baby steps of growth, my therapist suggested group therapy. Realizing I am a person that needs others to overcome problems. How this step changed my life. 

Listen to these other women explain and open up about their stories made it understandable to me. Finally it began to make some sense. I have triggers and have built in thoughts that don't make any sense as an adult. Yet I still had to make sense of them. I began to write. Something I hate to do. I hate having something written about what happened. I hate evidence... I knew that was my path to healing. At first it was slow and filled with shame, then it grew in power. I realized I am not the only one on this battle called life. People began to connect to my story. It doesn't have to be child abuse, it could be perfectionist as parents, fertility issues, divorce, and a slew of other things that make you feel shame. I can promise you I am no longer and abuse victim.. I am a victim of shame. Shame can happen in ten seconds or less. Sending a misspelled email out, calling someone by the wrong name, getting yelled out by a boss, yelling at your kids, having a fight with your husband or sibling. It's a daily battle and I know I am not the only one on the battle field. 

Since October I can honestly say I have changed dramatically. One of the hardest changes I have ever experienced but worth every mile. It has amazed me how I have gone from days of shame to minutes. Years of pain to moments. I can tell I am more open and trusting of my path. I don't really care what others think about me if they aren't open about the battle they are fighting. Everyone has a battle. This one is mine and the best part is... I am not alone. I have people in my arena watching me fight and cheering me on. Those that cheer me on never put me down and never want me to fail. They are the ones I would call in a heartbeat with a problem. Shame is every where and I am in for the battle of my life. How great it is to be aware that I am in control of my own life. I feel like my life only began months ago. I have eyes wide open. Bring it on. 

Be Careful with your Words

Be careful what you say. Your words can make or break someone. I've been working on what I say lately. Trying to get rid of the negative and let in the positive. It feels like a foreign language. I've talked to my class all the time about how words have affected me. 

I still have extreme anxiety attacks when someone criticizes or teases me. Even if it's silly, even if I know it's not true. I struggle so much with knowing my own self worth. I am getting better about it everyday. 

I tell my students, you don't want to be the person that person thinks of when they remember something mean. I know I don't. Being cautious with what you say is an attribute of a strong person. Everyone makes mistakes be patient but start with a mindset that you want to make others around you happy. 

I'm changing my words and changing my life. My child's inner voice is my voice. I don't want him to treat himself the way I have treated myself. He deserves so much more. Everyone does. Say kind words to others and especially to yourself. 

My Change to a Positive Life!

My life in the past couple weeks has taken a whole new turn. I have been attending a Happy Mentoring class and still have group counseling weekly. In my group we are reading Daring Greatly together by Brené Brown (amazing book if anyone would like to learn how to become Shame Resilient). In Happy class we are learning how to change our lives to be more positive and to attract positive into our lives. I have literally been shocked by the changes. 

1. I am happy- like really happy. 
2. I know how to handle when I am not happy.
3. I've created a deeper connection with my Heavenly Father. 

All in a matter of weeks. I can't believe the difference I've seen. Let me give you one example;

The last month of school had been... well quite literally March Madness. My kids as school are ready for spring break- I am ready for spring break. It has been a constant struggle to get them motivated, paying attention, and being kind to each other. I've been hearing a lot about the power of affirmations (the action or process of affirming something or being affirmed.) or declarations (an I am... statement). I thought I would try it with my class yesterday. I simply wrote on the board "My class speaks kind words to each other!" I read it to the class and talked to them about what it meant to have an affirmation. I knew that it would happen and I needed their help to make it truth. Then they did! The first great day we had in a long time! I tried it again today, "My class follows directions quickly and cares for others." They have DONE IT! I literally had to walk out of the class and walk back in to check that I was in the right room. I've had moments where I wanted to cry today. They were so engaged, so loving, and so happy! Just by writing and believing it will happen! 

I've seen this in a ton of things. I read my affirmations, out loud, every morning. It's happening. I have lost weight that I haven't been able to lose in months. I go to work with a smile. I am more attentive with Porter. I am happier in my relationships. I can feel the spirit and am following promptings. I am happy!

Do I have unhappy moments? Absolutely. Instead of shutting down, I feel my way through. I write about it, talk about it, and pray about it. I even, heaven forbid, cry about it. It feels amazing to let out the negative and to fill myself with happiness. 

One simple change has changed so much for me. I am excited to see where else I will be going. I know that my Father in Heaven is guiding me on a journey I have needed for a lifetime. He has placed things in my path recently that have made it all happen. I was prompted to write about my changes yesterday morning. I am supposed to share my journey. Was I supposed to share it for you? 

Can't Face the Blog

I have to be honest. When I am struggling I hate to blog. I hate letting everyone know I struggle. I hate to write about it. It makes it feel like it's almost more true. Like if I put the words on a blog then everything I'm holding in is actually happening. So inspite of my hate... It's time to write. 

This past month has probably been one of the hardest I've had. I've been challenged in every way I've ever know. I pulled up some of the worst memories of more abuse. My husband had an emergency surgery. We bought our first home. My son figured out how to climb and run to the street. 

If I could find one word for this month it would be... Overwhelming. I packed my house up by myself. I'm unpacking my house by myself. My life is ruled by a mini-human and my amazing husband still struggles with basic things. I've have been beyond challenged this past month. All with a smile. 

I've learned a lot about myself in this time. I've learned exactly how I shut off and how to turn to my husband like never before. I don't know a life without his support. I've realized the more open I am to people I can be safe with, the better I feel. 

Yes my life is hard right now. No I won't have a toddler forever. Jaren will get back to full strength. With no doubt I can say I have seen the hand of God and angels to lift and support me. Real Angels and people who have been Angels to me. I'm grateful I'm here to write another blog. State a bit of truth. And understand a whole lot better.