My Story to Change

In the past couple weeks I've had a resounding amount of people ask me my story. I figured it's time to explain it all... or else parts of it. 

Almost four years ago I married my wonderful husband. I was previously divorced and struggling with my life choices. Unbeknownst to me I was about to make the best choice of my life. Jaren helped me open my eyes to a lot of things. The first major thing was that my thought process was different than others. Not that I was crazy, per say, (he may have a different opinion on that) but that I was so focused on being perfect that it was scary. I wanted to be the best at everything or die trying. I realized I had large amounts of anxiety. I went and got on a pill to make me less "crazy". A few months after this I got pregnant. You can't take anxiety medication while pregnant. I went back to my control freak lifestyle. This was in an extremely stressful time in my life. My first year of teaching, still in school, and pregnant (that stands alone). I chalked up my explosive reactions and struggling sense of self-worth to pregnancy. 

Then I finally had that little bundle of joy out of my body. What a relief. Things didn't change though. In fact, they got way worse. As a parent you can not be a thriving perfectionist (and do it well.) I realized I needed to make a change. I spoke with my Bishop who guided me to counseling. He noticed something above anyone else. The fact that I was abused as a child. Being abused for ten years does something mentally to you. I didn't think it was a problem any more. I mean it was all in the past, right? How wrong was I... This was the whole reason I struggled. After months of counseling and baby steps of growth, my therapist suggested group therapy. Realizing I am a person that needs others to overcome problems. How this step changed my life. 

Listen to these other women explain and open up about their stories made it understandable to me. Finally it began to make some sense. I have triggers and have built in thoughts that don't make any sense as an adult. Yet I still had to make sense of them. I began to write. Something I hate to do. I hate having something written about what happened. I hate evidence... I knew that was my path to healing. At first it was slow and filled with shame, then it grew in power. I realized I am not the only one on this battle called life. People began to connect to my story. It doesn't have to be child abuse, it could be perfectionist as parents, fertility issues, divorce, and a slew of other things that make you feel shame. I can promise you I am no longer and abuse victim.. I am a victim of shame. Shame can happen in ten seconds or less. Sending a misspelled email out, calling someone by the wrong name, getting yelled out by a boss, yelling at your kids, having a fight with your husband or sibling. It's a daily battle and I know I am not the only one on the battle field. 

Since October I can honestly say I have changed dramatically. One of the hardest changes I have ever experienced but worth every mile. It has amazed me how I have gone from days of shame to minutes. Years of pain to moments. I can tell I am more open and trusting of my path. I don't really care what others think about me if they aren't open about the battle they are fighting. Everyone has a battle. This one is mine and the best part is... I am not alone. I have people in my arena watching me fight and cheering me on. Those that cheer me on never put me down and never want me to fail. They are the ones I would call in a heartbeat with a problem. Shame is every where and I am in for the battle of my life. How great it is to be aware that I am in control of my own life. I feel like my life only began months ago. I have eyes wide open. Bring it on. 

Be Careful with your Words

Be careful what you say. Your words can make or break someone. I've been working on what I say lately. Trying to get rid of the negative and let in the positive. It feels like a foreign language. I've talked to my class all the time about how words have affected me. 

I still have extreme anxiety attacks when someone criticizes or teases me. Even if it's silly, even if I know it's not true. I struggle so much with knowing my own self worth. I am getting better about it everyday. 

I tell my students, you don't want to be the person that person thinks of when they remember something mean. I know I don't. Being cautious with what you say is an attribute of a strong person. Everyone makes mistakes be patient but start with a mindset that you want to make others around you happy. 

I'm changing my words and changing my life. My child's inner voice is my voice. I don't want him to treat himself the way I have treated myself. He deserves so much more. Everyone does. Say kind words to others and especially to yourself. 

My Change to a Positive Life!

My life in the past couple weeks has taken a whole new turn. I have been attending a Happy Mentoring class and still have group counseling weekly. In my group we are reading Daring Greatly together by Brené Brown (amazing book if anyone would like to learn how to become Shame Resilient). In Happy class we are learning how to change our lives to be more positive and to attract positive into our lives. I have literally been shocked by the changes. 

1. I am happy- like really happy. 
2. I know how to handle when I am not happy.
3. I've created a deeper connection with my Heavenly Father. 

All in a matter of weeks. I can't believe the difference I've seen. Let me give you one example;

The last month of school had been... well quite literally March Madness. My kids as school are ready for spring break- I am ready for spring break. It has been a constant struggle to get them motivated, paying attention, and being kind to each other. I've been hearing a lot about the power of affirmations (the action or process of affirming something or being affirmed.) or declarations (an I am... statement). I thought I would try it with my class yesterday. I simply wrote on the board "My class speaks kind words to each other!" I read it to the class and talked to them about what it meant to have an affirmation. I knew that it would happen and I needed their help to make it truth. Then they did! The first great day we had in a long time! I tried it again today, "My class follows directions quickly and cares for others." They have DONE IT! I literally had to walk out of the class and walk back in to check that I was in the right room. I've had moments where I wanted to cry today. They were so engaged, so loving, and so happy! Just by writing and believing it will happen! 

I've seen this in a ton of things. I read my affirmations, out loud, every morning. It's happening. I have lost weight that I haven't been able to lose in months. I go to work with a smile. I am more attentive with Porter. I am happier in my relationships. I can feel the spirit and am following promptings. I am happy!

Do I have unhappy moments? Absolutely. Instead of shutting down, I feel my way through. I write about it, talk about it, and pray about it. I even, heaven forbid, cry about it. It feels amazing to let out the negative and to fill myself with happiness. 

One simple change has changed so much for me. I am excited to see where else I will be going. I know that my Father in Heaven is guiding me on a journey I have needed for a lifetime. He has placed things in my path recently that have made it all happen. I was prompted to write about my changes yesterday morning. I am supposed to share my journey. Was I supposed to share it for you? 

Can't Face the Blog

I have to be honest. When I am struggling I hate to blog. I hate letting everyone know I struggle. I hate to write about it. It makes it feel like it's almost more true. Like if I put the words on a blog then everything I'm holding in is actually happening. So inspite of my hate... It's time to write. 

This past month has probably been one of the hardest I've had. I've been challenged in every way I've ever know. I pulled up some of the worst memories of more abuse. My husband had an emergency surgery. We bought our first home. My son figured out how to climb and run to the street. 

If I could find one word for this month it would be... Overwhelming. I packed my house up by myself. I'm unpacking my house by myself. My life is ruled by a mini-human and my amazing husband still struggles with basic things. I've have been beyond challenged this past month. All with a smile. 

I've learned a lot about myself in this time. I've learned exactly how I shut off and how to turn to my husband like never before. I don't know a life without his support. I've realized the more open I am to people I can be safe with, the better I feel. 

Yes my life is hard right now. No I won't have a toddler forever. Jaren will get back to full strength. With no doubt I can say I have seen the hand of God and angels to lift and support me. Real Angels and people who have been Angels to me. I'm grateful I'm here to write another blog. State a bit of truth. And understand a whole lot better. 

Being a Woman

I've always felt the pressure of being the perfect (insert any word here). I know I am not the only one. It's part of being a woman I believe. The expectations held far out of reach. Completely unattainable.

 You never really grow up learning how to be a woman and why you are so important. You hear things like, "you make dinner",  "you have the children", "you are the nurturer." We should here more of, "You are everything." That title of being everything I never comprehended. The first week into my first marriage I realized it wasn't as easy as I thought. Eight years later and into my second marriage and I'm still figuring it all out. Pay the bills Tess, get of debt Tess, be the perfect teacher Tess, be the perfect mom Tess, don't forget your husband Tess, keep your house clean Tess. Who are these voices telling me these things? Myself... Who taught me to say this? Family, community, commercials, movies, the list goes on and on. 

Knowing the pressures I face can make life seem unbearable. Instead I pull in my big girl panties, roll out of bed at 5 am for the morning workout and make my day, falling in bed at night and wondering if I did enough. If I am enough. 

The truth is no one else could replace me. I need to, along with every women I know, needs to stop drowning themselves in life. We need to start enjoying it more. Being more caring and compassionate. Imagine what happened if everyone just said, "No, it's unrealistic what is expected." What if we set our own minds and were truly REAL with each other. Messy houses, messy lives, and all. 

I want to live in that world of warrior women. I'm going to start right now. 

My Choice to be Home

I've put off writing for a long time. Last month was a low for me. All I felt was anxiety and stress. It took me forever to find the problem. Porter. I hated that his first birthday was fast approaching and I wasn't there. I hated that he spent his days with other people. Not that they aren't amazing to him but they aren't me.

 

As Christmas break came and I final figured out why I was in a state of panic, I was finally able to tune into what I needed to do. For me and my family I needed to be home. This thought seemed like a foreign concept to me. My mom had to work growing up. It was all I knew. It terrifies me. As soon as I told Jaren I'm not going back next year, I felt at peace. I had been playing with the idea the last month and as soon as it left my lips I knew I had made the right choice. 

Still knowing I made the right choice gives me anxiety. I decided to start a preschool in my home for the next year to help balance my part of the finances. Some of my favorite years were spent teaching preschool. How can I do it though? We would need a new house? Items? Kids? 

I don't know how it will work out. All I know is that it will. I've had so many people say I won't regret it. I know that is true. I have worries but not one single doubt. I won't miss a year again. 

Passing on Peace

I have not written for a while. The holidays are a struggle for me. This year though I have found a new meaning to them. Watching everything through Porter's eyes has been such a beautiful experience. He opens me to knew ideas daily. Children are truly beautiful, pure souls. 

I struggle often with the fact that I feel like my childhood was taken away from me. Today I am just so happy to realize that I can live through my son. I can give him the joy and happiness in this life. That's my way of passing it forward. Of healing. 

My mind is not completely healed but I have a sense of peace that I have never known before. I am so grateful for it.